One Year Ago
by Amanda Jones

Scripture Reading: “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me” (Isaiah 49:15-16).

My son Jackson's precious life began at this exact time last year.  If you’ll indulge me, this anniversary has me feeling very reflective. What a ride the last twelve months have been! 

I’ve found that being a mommy changes everything. The presence of a tiny zygote in your womb begins an amazing, permanent upheaval in your life. Being an expectant mommy changes the way you react to food and certain smells, the way you fit in your jeans, the things that make you sad or annoyed, and how long or short your fuse is.  In August of last year I would have said that a great day involved being able to eat and keep down three meals and having any friends left at the end of the day.  Not only was I a bit wrapped up in self-pity from my all-day nausea, but I became surprisingly bold.  You know the filter that helps you not say everything you think?  That filter took a vacation during my pregnancy.  I think I voiced every opinion that crossed my mind—especially the negative ones.  One day while I was exercising my newfound boldness in a pizza parlor, my sister said I was scaring her.  When I looked at my mom, completely expecting her to defend me, she tenderly advised me to turn it down a couple of notches.  Okay, a couple dozen notches.  Thankfully, their honesty helped me reign in my tongue and not drive my husband and friends completely insane.  Pregnancy is a time of exaggerated emotions.  I learned to enjoy and be thankful for the moments when I was on the mountain instead of in the valley.  Any degree of happiness was wild happiness.  Anything remotely good was supercharged and became “the best ever!” 

One new mom, well-known in the entertainment world, recently announced that she has given up the religion she dabbled in for the past couple of years because now her baby is her religion.  I can see how easy it would be to make an idol out of my child and put him before the Lord in my heart.  I definitely need the Holy Spirit to convict me when I cross that line.  I want to be honest and say that motherhood has been challenging spiritually, like in the area of my morning quiet times.  Thankfully, being a mommy has also driven me closer to my Heavenly Father in many ways.  Pregnancy made me feel out of control emotionally and depressed from constant nausea.  I also struggled on an hourly basis not to give into the temptation to fear.  “Lord, I give myself to You today,” became “Lord, I throw myself at Your feet!”  I begged Him to fill me with the Spirit and help me “live beyond myself.”  I was reminded of how good and beneficial it is to be desperate for God.  I am always desperately in need of God, but at this time I was keenly aware of it and blessed because of it.  Now that I have a precious four-month-old son, my needs have changed, but the depth of need remains.  I am desperate for God to give me the strength to put Jackson’s needs before my own.  I need Him to help me be a healthy person inside and out so that I can raise a healthy child.  I also need Him to give me endurance, patience, creativity, and unfailing love.   

I remember so well the day I found out I was expecting Jackson. Before going to sleep I wondered how long it would take me to remember the baby when I woke up. It was my first waking-slash-sleeping thought. It amazed me that I already had complete consciousness of my child even before I was fully awake.  Imagine that God has complete consciousness of every single one of His children at all times! 

One thing I've been thinking about lately is how the Word says a mother would be more likely to forget the baby at her breast than God would be to forget about us. Isaiah 49:15-16 says, "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands." (It's actually God talking to Israel, but I think it still counts.)  Now that I have experienced the love a parent has for a child, I have never felt so loved by God.

It amazes me to think about my expectations of who Jackson would be and what motherhood would be like. When I compare them to reality, reality far surpasses my former expectations. What a joy! How many times in life can you really say that? Jackson is the most delightful little person that I have ever met. He makes me laugh a thousand times a day.  He has opened up doors in my heart that I never knew existed.  In fact, Jackson has caused me to discover a new talent as a songwriter. In the last month I have probably written three (very silly) songs a day. All for Jackson, of course. The sad thing is I can't really remember the songs to sing them again the next day. A few weeks ago I lost my voice and I missed being able to make up silly songs for him. One of Jackson's favorite songs that I didn't make up is an old hymn called "I Know Whom I Have Believed." He can be having a complete emotional breakdown and become utterly peaceful whenever he hears that song. I am taking this as early evidence that Jackson’s going to follow his heritage and believe God!      

Lord, thank You for times of change that bring me closer to You.  Thank You for giving me challenges that drive me to depend on Your strength.  Please give me eyes to see You everyday in the circumstances of my life.  Thank You for the good and perfect gifts You have blessed me with.  In the name of my sweet Jesus, Amen.