When Love is Difficult

Scripture Reading: 1 John 4:7-21

Today's Treasure:

"If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brothers, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen" (1 John 4:20).

My younger daughter called from college recently on a rampage about someone she "just cannot stand." She is a God-seeking young woman with a fiery passion for His Word, but she agrees with most of us who feel we could serve others more successfully if others weren't so—otherly! I reminded her of a difficult relational challenge she'd had the year before. Then I "consoled" her with the assurance that she'd have another next year...and the next. Why? Because loving people we find difficult is so important to God. Just about the time we get one challenging relationship under the Spirit's control, God will supply another.

Have you found this principle to be true? How many people would you estimate you've been challenged to love in the last five years? I just have a suspicion born of experience. I bet some of those relationships have become some of the dearest in your life.

I intended to use the phrase "loving difficult people" in today's devotion, but under the Holy Spirit's direction, I changed it to "loving people we find difficult." As hard as this suggestion may be on our egos, just because we find someone difficult to love doesn't make him or her a difficult person.

The difficult person in my challenging relationship may be me! I'll never forget when someone who had just completed Breaking Free told me that I was her stronghold! Another who just completed Jesus the One and Only told me she could hardly stand the way I taught, but she toughed it out, received a blessing, and likes me better now. Sometimes two people just don't make an easy mix. What a perfect combination for the practice of agape!

That we exercise and strengthen weak muscles of what I'll call "otherly affection" is paramount to God. If I may be simplistic, it's why we're still here. So what's a believer to do with all the challenges to love people we find difficult? Forget faking it. The first sentence of Romans 12:9 says: "Love must be sincere."

You and I are called to the real thing. God already knew that commanding us to love others sincerely would force the issue of heart change in those who truly desire to obey and please Him.

While loving others God places in our paths will never cease to be challenging, the key is learning to draw from the resource of God's own agapao rather than our own small and selfish supply of natural phileo or fondness. Agapao is many things we imagine as love, but two primary elements set it apart.

Agapao begins with the will. It is volitional love. In other words, the beginning of true love is the willful decision to agree with God about that person and choose love. Secondly, when Scripture makes a distinction between agapao and phileo, agapao love is based on best interest while phileo love is based on common interests.

Both kinds of love are biblical and wonderful expressions in the body of Christ, but phileo love often originates through preference and taste as in a naturally developed friendship or sisterly relationship. Based on my limited biblical understanding, agapao tends to be the more "expensive" love because the element of sacrifice is part of its nature. God's directive in places like Luke 6:27 to love our enemies involves agapao. It's simply harder and necessitates will over emotion.

Earlier I pointed out that the key is to draw from the resource of God's own agapao. First John 4:7 tells us love comes from God and not from our own determination. His will is involved in choosing to receive and exercise God's love, not our own. Romans 5:5 displays the concept beautifully. It says, "God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." The first quality if the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22 is love.

God's chief goal is to deepen each of our relationships with Him. He knows that if we don't see our need for Him, we will never understand how sufficient and wonderful He is. Therefore, He continually challenges us to live beyond our natural abilities. God knows that challenges like loving someone we find difficult will place the obedient in the position to come to Him constantly for a fresh supply of His love. We have to pour out our own toxic and preferential affections so our hearts can be filled with His affections. As we ask for our cups to overflow with agapao, the liquid, living love of God will not only surge through our own hearts; it will splash on anyone nearby. Glory!

Lord, thank You that difficult relationships are not hopeless. You don't leave us to tolerate one another; You empower us to show sincere, sacrificial, godly love. In my own strength I can't muster it up. Let Your love flow in torrents from this weak heart and minister to the people around me. Please bless those who have shown Your love to me when I've been so hard to love. Thank You for your lavish grace. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Adapted from Beloved Disciple, by Beth Moore, pages 206-208. Nashville: Broadman & Holman, 2003. Used by permission.