Name Calling

Scripture Reading: John 11:1-44

Today's Treasure: "Then Jesus said, 'Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?' " (John 11:40).

My name is Had. You may know me, but you may not know my new name. You may have no idea what I've been through because I do my best to look the same. I am scared to death of you. I used to be just like you. I once held my head up high without propping it on my hymnal.

I was well respected back then, and I even respected myself. I was wholeheartedly devoted to God, and if the truth be known, somewhere deep inside I was sometimes the slightest bit proud of my devotion. Then I'd repent.because I knew that was wrong. I didn't want to be wrong. Not ever.

People looked up to me. And life looked good from up there. I felt good about who I was. That was before I was Had. Strangely, I no longer remember my old name. I just remember I liked it. I liked who I was. I wish I could go back. I wish I'd just wake up. But I fear I'm wide awake. I have had a nightmare. And the nightmare was me. Had.

If I could really talk to you and you could really listen, I'd tell you I have no idea how all this happened. Honestly, I was just like you. I didn't plan to be Had. I didn't want to be had. One day I hadn't, then the next day I had.

Oh, I know now where I went wrong. I have rewound the nightmare a thousand times, stopping it right at the point where I departed the trail of good sense. The way ahead didn't look wrong. It just looked different. Strange, he didn't look like the devil in the original scene. But every time I replayed it, he dropped another piece of his masquerade. When he finally took off his mask, he was laughing at me. Nothing seems funny anymore. I will never laugh again as long as he's laughing.

If only I could go back. I would see it this time! I would walk around the trap camouflaged by the brush, and I would not be Had. I would be Proud. Was that my old name? I can't even remember who I was anymore. I thought I was Good. Not Proud. But I don't know anymore.

Would you believe I never heard the trap shut? Too many voices were shouting in my head. I just knew I got stuck somewhere unfamiliar, and soon I didn't like the scenery anymore. I wanted to go home. My ankle didn't even hurt at first. Not until the infection set in. Then I thought I would die.

I lay like a whimpering doe while the wolf howled in the darkness. I got scared. I pulled the brush over me and hid. Then I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had to get out of there or I was sure it would kill me. I didn't belong there. I refused to die there.

I pulled and pulled at the trap, but the foothold wouldn't budge. The blood gushed. I had no way out. I screamed for God. I told Him where I was and the shape I was in. He came for me.

The infection is gone. He put something on it and cleaned it up instantly. As He inspected my shattered ankle, I kept waiting for Him to say, "You deserved this, you know. You've been Had. " Because I did and I know and I have. He hasn't said it yet. I don't know whether He will or not. I don't know how much to trust Him yet. I've never known Him from this side. My leg still hurts. God says it will heal with time. But I fear I will always walk with a limp.

You see, I wrestled with the devil and he gave me a new name. Had.

All sorts of people will read this. People who want to help Had. People who want to judge Had. People who want to know how bad was Had. And people who want to know how sorry is Had. They can read it if they want, but this part is not for them. It's just for you. Had.

In case no one has said it to you yet, I sure am sorry you've been Had. It's horrible, isn't it? Devastating not to live up to your own expectation. To become such a pauper to Grace. I've been Had a time or two myself. It's been awhile, but I remember well what it was like being him.

God says He doesn't want me to forget. I asked Him why. He said too many people have been Had out there. All sorts of ways to be Had. Good and Proud think there are just a few, but if they're not careful, they may be Wrong. And someday they may even be Had. I used to wish I could be Good and Proud again, but I don't anymore. I don't want to be Good, Proud, or Had. I just want to be Healed.

God says He will never let me be so Healed that I forget about Had. There have been more Hads than Good and Proud may ever know. Sometimes it takes a Has Been to know a Had.

One thing is for sure. Had needs a lot of Help. Healed's nickname is Help. He got the name because of what he does. He can't stop. Healed Hads Help.

God wanted to make sure I never act like I haven't been Had. So He left the scars. He kept a set on His own hands and feet and left one on my ankle. That's OK. My scars bear the marks of death. Don't let anyone tell you that being Had won't kill you. It will. It was meant to. If it doesn't, you've been Had for nothing and you'll be Had again.

Christ raises the dead only after they die. Before I was Had, God kept saying, "You are not yet Dead. " So instead I was Had. Christ let Lazarus lie dead for four days, but not because He was mean. Scripture says He loved Lazarus even though He let the illness kill him.

Perhaps we all need to know how it feels to be dead for awhile. But do we believe we might see the glory of God? That's what Christ told Martha she would see. When He raised Lazarus from the dead, Christ did not raise him sick. He raised him Healed. I have a suspicion that Lazarus never got to kid himself into thinking he could never get sick again. He just asked for Grace never to be Had again.

Come on, Had. Let's you and I go on a walk together. It's time for you to go home. Maybe to a part of God's home where you've never even been. I'll walk you part of the way, and we'll talk. You don't have to hang your head with me. Then again, you can if you want. You can cry, get mad, throw rocks, and kick the dirt.

Been there. Just keep walking.

Adapted from When Godly People Do Ungodly Things, by Beth Moore, pages 201-205. Nashville: Broadman & Holman, 2002.  Used by permission.